Sunday, October 22, 2006

I'm sorry, what's my motivation?

Finter, fall and winter together, has pretty much arrived. It's been really nice and cold at night, 50-60 degrees and such. It's my favorite time of year. I was actually able to break out my leather jacket on friday. I love my leather jacket. It's the greatest. Almost as great as 3D movies.

If you haven't seen it yet, you should go and check out Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D. It's effin' rad. I think what I liked most about it was that it didn't do any of that gimmicky 3D crap where they shove stuff in your face trying to freak you out. Okay, so maybe they did a little bit, but not so much that it felt cheesy. Mostly they did a whole depth-of-field thing. It was really cool. I never enjoyed the movie as a kid, with all the singing, but I certainly appreciate it a lot more now that I'm older.

The best part about seeing the Nightmare Before Christmas is that in return for buying her tickets, Karla has in turn bought us tickets to see The Decemberists on Tuesday. I'm totally, bodaciously excited. We saw them at ACL two years ago and since then I've loved them. Can't wait!

And if you haven't heard about it, The Mark DeAnda band is no more. Mark decided that he needed members that could devote more time to being in a band, i.e. people who don't have a job OR go to school. I think the part that hurt the most was his comment that I'm not a serious musician. While being a true statement, I liked to think that I was serious about being in a band. I made concessions to have Fridays and Saturdays off so I'd make it to gigs. I made promo packs, I designed our website and I always showed up to practice. I didn't practice on my own as much as I should have, but honestly, I never saw a reason to because I had no motivation. Why should I have practiced as much as he practices guitar if we never had a gig? The answer to that is, because I'm not a serious musician. But I was in a band to play shows and have fun, neither of which was happening. It sucks not being in a band anymore and I admit I am angry with Mark on the subject, but I suppose I can't complain considering I never put enough energy into playing my drums.

What it all comes down to is motivation. I can never motivate myself enough to continue doing something. I was all gung-ho about the drums for the first four or five months and then, like clockwork, I lost motivation. I love playing the drums, don't get me wrong, but I can't find a reason to try and get better anymore. Hell, I can't even motivate myself to practice Actionscript. The only reason I'm still good at Photoshop or Illustrator is because I'm using them for the classes I'm taking. That's my motivation. But without classes, I'd probably do nothing more than play video games, work, and sit on my ass. In other words, I'd be a loser.

When I was in a band and we practiced, I saw a future of playing gigs, having fun, and potentially having that be my career. Now that that is gone and I look at where I'm going in school, I don't see any sort of future. I don't feel like I'm good enough to be any sort of designer. So now I just feel like I'm going nowhere. I'll graduate and have a degree and probably still work at Kinko's. Woo hoo.

Pam got a house. I'm supposed to live with her but I really don't want to. The house is in Buda. I work and go to school in North Austin. That just doesn't appeal to me. So to alleviate the problem, I thought I could get a place with Nick but I just don't see that happening either. I don't feel like were as close as we use to be and I'd probably just annoy the hell out of him. Where does that leave me? I don't know. I'm trying not to think about it. But thoughts of moving elsewhere, somewhere other than Austin, sound really appealing. I'd be pulling a T.J. but maybe that's what I need.

I apologize for the tone of this post. I know I said I wouldn't do this anymore. I promise the next one will be more uplifting, inspiring, whatever.

Was he robbed of the asphalt that cushioned his face?

1 comment:

corley said...

I just want you to think back to the day you returned from Michigan.

The first thing you did was kiss me. After you set down your bags you excused yourself to go and play drums.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Mark is a friend of mine, he’s cool, and I like hanging out with him, but Mark is wrong.

"I liked to think that I was serious about being in a band. I made concessions to have Fridays and Saturdays off so I'd make it to gigs. I made promo packs, I designed our website and I always showed up to practice. I didn't practice on my own as much as I should have, but honestly, I never saw a reason to because I had no motivation. Why should I have practiced as much as he practices guitar if we never had a gig?"

That alone sounds to me like you were doing more than Mark to try and get the band out there. He never let it happen. When you made promo packs he changed the name. You got a gig and he disbanded. The fact that he couldn't get any more done for the band while out of work and school is pure laziness on his part, and he's just being an asshole pushing it off as your fault.

I'm tired of you cutting yourself down. You are a good drummer - REALLY. You are a fantastic artist, both on and off of the computer. You write well, you think well, and your one hell of a kisser.

Give yourself some credit, Casey. You're insulting me too when you talk shit about yourself. After all, I think you're the best thing to ever happen to me. So what do your negative comments say about my decision to be with you?